I'm afraid

I'm afraid to let you love me. I don't mind loving you. Don't mind being there for you. Love caring and thinking of you. But I am deftly afraid of even letting go of myself.  The thought that you could not just love me back but stay for forever, scares me.  I watched what I thought would be my mothers forever become a public and private display of humiliation served up by my father. As if that whole dibacle weren't enough I saw more pain caused by her next Mr. Forever. All around I witnessed Mr. Forevers and all the pain, humiliation, and messes they left in their wake. Oh yes, my attempts at forever, just as messy, and in some cases messier. The journey back from a broken heart is riddled with pain. Though in the end it's the fears that take the longest to cure. So I know that if I really want this I need to stop letting fear have it's way with me.

Want

Why do you want what you want? I'm asking myself this question because I've gotten to a space of life that I have to grow up, as one of my co-workers said to me. She said this after a conversation about her morning routine. She is a married woman with two children. So every morning she wakes by 4:30 am even if she's not working and gets her husband ready for work as well as any chore she can fit in, she then goes back to bed. When she wakes a few hours later she gets her children ready for their day or on a work day she goes to work. So I being a mother can relate to the being stuck to an almost instituted schedule. Though where I don't relate and honestly have secretly appreciated, was the husband aspect. So since I was in a sharing mood I stated just how I felt almost fortunate that I didn't have the extra responsibility. She then reminded me that that husbands come with perks(No doubt not everyone thinks this all the time but at least most people would agree with her.) Now I have to say that when she told me to flat out grow up, I was so not expecting that. I'd never had someone say it like that before. I had to ask myself why didn't I want to grow up. I know!!! Who wants to leave the land of imagination and join the hordes of my husband this and that. I love knowing I can imagine something and do it without checking with someone. Though don't get me wrong the older I get the lonelier it becomes when almost all my friends are married, my siblings, and almost all my cousins old enough to get married are.  I won't lie the world makes you feel weird when you admit to fearing the institution of marriage. So you learn to keep it to yourself and a very select few. Though for the first time I had to ask myself if it all was just me not wanting to ever have to grow up. Then came the final question what do I want and why? Which reminded me of these lyrics, 'have what you want but want what you have'. So while I let that roll around in my head and I face what it appears are things I've avoided I'll keep asking myself; What do you really want? You should know, cause it matters.

Rise

        The fear of having your heart broken is more than fear to the person fearing it.  The pain of a broken heart is more than pain to the person living it.  Though to the world they are just moments.  When we are caught in a moment it can last seconds or decades we get to choose.  Cause even if the other party moves on (or passes-dies) but you’re still living it, then the moment is still going.  Though the unfortunate thing is the one still caught in that moment feels like the fear or pain should just not end.  If nothing else brings you comfort know that all things come to an end and a sun that sets will surely rise.  This means that though you are not guaranteed to ever fully heal you can be better but only if you let go of the moment.  The sun that sets is the letting go.  While the sun that raises is the surety that there will be more to you, your story, your life, and though it almost seemed like that first love was all you could have known.  Know that all you can ever have is what you allow yourself to have.  If you can’t imagine it then know that because the sun rose today, yesterday, and tomorrow, it’s possible.  So it may feel over but feelings are just that, thin air, not concrete, not solid, for the fact (solid and dependable) is the sun rose which means you can too.  Move on if for only the fact that the sun rose and so should you.

Pain is my drug.

                I should have known when my sister pointed out that one of my favorite songs, 'Behind The Wall' from my favorite artist and album Tracy Chapman, was depressing.  I should have known that I have a special propensity for, I used to think sadness, but I know now it's pain.  I could listen to that song on repeat for hours and the whole album for days.  That was as a kid, but tell me why it still comforts me as an adult if it isn't because of pain.   As an adult I can't say I don't know or understand the back story in this song or all she's insinuating.  Today Adele is my comfort but it's taken me some time to even admit to myself that the pain in her songs comfort me.  You'd think I'd known some great travesty in life but actually my pain isn't that deep.  Really I just know I didn't want life from an early age.  Nor did the idea of being born a female always comfort me (Simply having less ways to manipulate my situation and the bit about being a second class citizen- didn't always live in the US and really felt the limitations the world puts on women.).  Anyway what did all this teach me- Pain is my current motivator, sad but true.  So I'll pimp it till something better can replace it. 

Summer Camp, Free styling, or do it yourself home summer school?

I'm choosing to cut back on the cost of summer for my child this year. My current work habits have given me the ability to be with my kid (11 yrs as of June) on a daily basis. So this year he didn't want to go to camp and kept emphasizing the idea of not having to do anything but play the summer away and travel. After a summer where I did let him play it away I think around age 5 or 7 he went to school and did horribly at the start of the year and we spent the year playing catch up. Since then we've integrated a system of practicing and maintaining what he learned in school the year prior into whatever he did for the Summer. So please note my reaction to his desire to play the summer away- No No No (add my cynical and sarcastic head shaking to the no's to get a good visual). The traveling sounded doable till he completed it with dreams of Hawaii.(Current budget- dose not approve, not quit yet) With-in continental US, however, was more do able.

So what did I come up with for the Summer. I made a list with him of both educational and fun activities I wanted him to do and he wanted to learn. Here's the list of what we came up with (Warning some of the items on this list are not typical kid activities and are a bit too high tech for most parents or even kids, choose what you like and invent what works for you. Make sure to keep the list short sweet and simple. After all it is the summer, they should be getting a rest and things come up.) :

1. Painting (He wants to learn formal Art such as Surrealism and forms of Art- his words not mine)
2. Museums
3. Chicago botanical garden
4. Millennium Park
5. Learn to type
6. Make Clay objects on pottery wheel
7. Sew a Bag
8. Learn to knit
9. Library project
10. Practice writing styles
11. Book reports
12. Create a Goal board and a Dream mood board
13. Make paper mache
14. Go to the pool
15. Exercise workout
16. Bake
17. Math
18. Science Projects
19. Write poems and short stories( My son as smart as he is, is the laziest of writers. This is to encourage his desire to write- He was also motivated after reading two books written and published by a nine year old 'Jake Johnson and the Half Bloods' by James Warburton -Link-Amazon.com: Jake Johnson And The Half Bloods (Quest 1) (Jake Johnson And The Greek Gods) eBook: James Warburton: Kindle Store:)
20. Garage sale/ bake sale (Funding)
21. Bamboo pen (Bamboo Create Pen Tablets | Wacom- I'm trying to give him a tech head start like I had learning Turtle(An Apple program) in the first grade.
22. Movies(via Netflix and The local Movie theater)
23. Sports

So we then Created a weekly schedule balancing fun activities with learning activities(I know most of the fun stuff double as education- That is what I call sugar coated pills). We are now officially off to a Summer that sure to be rich and exciting. 

South West turns 42yrs

So Southwest Airlines turns 42 yrs old. I get to discover that more people on my flight from Dallas actually fly to Kansas (Yes Kansas!) than Chicago. There were only 46 people in a 737 in route to Chicago. In celebrating with Southwest on their birthday we got free drinks(whatever you wished to drink), peanuts, and of course pretzels. (After traveling with Spirit Airlines to Dallas- I felt like I had hit the jackpot. LOL at the state of basic air travel service today)

Yes I will be reading my camera's manual to learn image stabilization cause ohh! Do I need to learn it.-Bear with me, I typically only shoot inanimate objects.

Aftershock

The aftermath is when you really know just how devastating it all was. It's when you really get to grasp just what you were hit with. The level and magnitude of a devastation is only fully known in it's wake. What it leaves behind tell it's story. Who it hurt, how it hurt them, and just how brutal the storm was. When it's all over you look around and survey what is left. First the mind looks through the eyes taking it all in. Then you process what you lost and the damage but not completely. Just enough to start reacting. As the days go by you look at the losses more closely and then you beginning to take stock. You begin to see what you still have left. The biggest problem with a shock isn't that we've lost things but that there was nothing we could do.

Tears of joy?

Why tears? Why joy? For many years I cried about everything. I cried even when I remembered something that had caused me to cry. I cried as a response to questions people asked me about things I'd already cried about in private. It's not so much how much I was crying but it was what was triggering the emotional waterworks. Life was just painful when it got down to just me. Depression is not unhealthy as long as it don't persist and is not dominating your life. I have noticed that many successful people experience periods of depression that propels them after several more life beating situation to the success we see them as later. Tears come when you are sad but extreme joy will also cause tears. So as a form of positive affirmation or an attempt to look on the brighter side I now chose to see tears a thing of joy. I hope this inspires you to turn a negative thing that plagues you into a positive that leads to a change for the better.

Hot shot, Say What!!!

So here I am understanding the importance of not having a hot shot bitch that nobody can touch attitude or behavior. I'm being willing to learn that one can be very giving. Willing to go above and beyond for others, and truly focused on the bettering of others while becoming a responsibly successful entrepreneur. Yep a mouth and mind full but a worthy cause. I've always had the ability to motivate people so the idea of being more proactive in this arena of my life makes sense. A noble human cause. I said all of this to really say; we often are too busy thinking highly of ourselves we forget to think that highly of others. When I say others I don't mean people you find cute or that impress you. I mean people you would normally write off. They deserve your vote of hope if not your vote of confidence.  The commonality in most successful people who made it despite the odd is that that person believed in themselves when no one else did(They stood alone for lack of others to stand by them.). Why can't you be that for someone-the person who believed in them. I'm not saying every Tom, Dick, and Henry but at least for someone in your circle of people who you can tell needs it. The thing is when you start thinking like this you're bound to make waves of difference in peoples lives. After all a Large tree was once a seed. So be the seed in someone's life that brings a tree out of the person.

I have a crush on you ; )

The joy of a crush is the feel that comes when your heart beat take a steady elevated beat that makes you notice that that person is near. That feeling that threatens to unravel the very calm of you. That can bring you to embarrassment over things that wouldn't even cause you to blink, in normal circumstances. That feeling that  brings hope upon hope of something imagined but hoped to be true-even if you don't believe it will ever be. I say enjoy it for you will not always have crushes and like many things in life why not smile about it. Especially if you can't do anything about it. So to my crush, here's my smile [  :  ) ]

Boy likes girl, girl likes boy.

If only relationships were made of this simple statement. Life should be simple and is therefor simple. Only for some reason we find that things are complected or hard at times. A day like Valentines day makes my point for me. Some people love this day no matter how it turns out or has been turning out. While others dread it and try to avoid it at all cost. Yes a date may have a meaning attached to it but it is still a day like any other to be lived. With that said I aim to assist people to put less pressure on the meanings the day has come to be for them. Instead of defining the day why not live the day. Give it life, set it free, or simply enjoy it as you are to enjoy your life- with fullness of joy. Find what this means to you and how to achieve it. This will be something different for each of us but something worth doing all the same. Here's to a day you learn to Love as it was intended to remind us of the joy of Loving. For a day is as simple as you make it- just like the statement, 'Life is Simple'.

My friend or a visual of who I really am

They say, 'show me your friends and I'll show you who you are.'  I had the pleasure of observing toddlers who really are great example of what a friendship really looks like from outside-the real picture.  These toddlers had their days. Some days it was all about support- T would hang out at D's crib when he saw him struggling with being there. He'd bring him toys and sit there and place his hand on the mesh of the cot for D to touch and know he was there.  Then there were the other days. T would grab toys out of D's hand and beat back if D tried to get his toy back or retaliate. These are just picks of what I saw but even in just those two you can see that being a friend unfortunately has a good and bad. Though in the end those attempts to be there are the ones we should count. But if you're one to count the fend for yourself days then think this even you aren't the perfect friend. So when next you want to think less of a friend because of the times they couldn't, remember a friend is only a friend because of the times they could.