Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Say something, it's your child, your responsibility.

Talk to your child so your child doesn't hurt mine. There is a story in the Bible that refers to the first time Samuel hears God's voice. In this story, the first communication God has with Samuel is to tell him of the Justice he intends to exact on his caretaker. What is so odd about this justice? I think the one thing that grabs me the most in this story is that Eli the man who is about to receive this punishment, excepts it, and it's almost as if he knows it as fair justice. So what is the part that Eli plays that he will lose his name and his family will be wiped out for. Well when God makes it a point to have this first conversation with Samuel he says this

This is not a sermon or a religious post, I use this to point out something very real and true in this world that affects everyone no matter who you are so long as you have or care for children. It's simply this: This man Eli watched his children commit atrocity after atrocity and said and did nothing. Eli was a prominent man, a priest, a man whom people looked to, a pillar of society. Someone who kept the moral fiber of society, yet his own children were the vilest of men. They reeked havoc in every arena they saw fit and yet their own father, this pillar of society just merely acted as if his children were saints who did no wrong. You might ask what the big deal was with this. It was simple and is still simple til today; When you don't curb your children and you knowingly turn a blind eye to their behaviors you do a disservice not only to yourself but to the world. I am not blaming parents for their children's actions. Just pointing out that as parent's you shouldn't be silent or supportive of inappropriate behaviors your children display. Say something so your child doesn't hurt mine. Don't worry even I know that I must say something when I know that my child is in the wrong, even for the small things, cause it's small things that lead to big things not big to small. Thank you to the parents who say something, you are appreciated more than you will ever know. 

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Starving Artist, lol!

How do I know when I am doing a task that is something I love, is something I'm gifted to do, that makes me tick? I have found I accidentally starve myself and then when I realize I'm doing it, I continue to because I forget I am doing it. It appears that there are some very unique activities that just cause me to completely lose the desire and ability to stop doing them. At first, I assumed it might be due to the pleasure I get from the tasks. I have realized that the idea of pleasure so good one could not simply stop an activity is not the case in this instance; however positive the tasks might be. On a closer examination, a different idea emerged. I found I simply could not stop because I was motivated to continue, more like I was invigorated. It appears that for me, it was like getting a vitamin B shot or some serious kick of a Starbucks triple shot or even raw endorphins. The more I concentrated on the task the more energy I received which enabled me to continue. I suppose that the depleting sugar levels that my body was experiencing kicked up my endorphin levels, which resulted in the continued work, but slowly increasing hunger levels encouraged a sort of not enough energy for my brain to concentrate or hold thoughts long enough. This would ensure I would keep forgetting that I was hungry and just keep working. Lol, I watch a lot of Sherlock Holmes series, currently in love with Elementry right now. It seems I have even dissected how I will help to solve the mystery of what my future business will look like by seeing what activities cause me to accidentally starve myself. As a writer, I'm not always sure what my work will look like when it's finished. Though I look back on this page and even though it seems quite odd I realize that I am a natural born artist and like many predecessors before me I appear to have the madness. Well, at least, I don't do drugs to be productive. I guess as long as I do what I love I will be skinny for life, lol. Find your passion, it's worth it, trust me!

Monday, November 30, 2015

mutual submission

I have and it was both beautiful and painful to see. It taught me that I need to let go of my arrogance and helped me to see the necessity of submission and the role it plays in a married couple's interactions with one another. It was like watching two people come upon a narrow door and knowing they both couldn't fit decided which should go first, without arguing. It was so smooth the only thing that hinted as to what took place was their eyes as they gave way to the other to go through the door. The one who entered first didn't bear pride but a look instead of appreciation. While the one who waited, did so patiently and with contentment, quickly following the spouse as they cleared the narrow door.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Warning; strictly for those who want to be a God.

I'm not one to write a religious post but God is irking me and I feel I should pen this down so I can be held accountable or even chastised if needed. 

I don't want to find myself trying to be a God(This post was inspired by a line MI Abaga used in this song, made me refect),  when what I truly seek is claiming and ownership of a God-given title, Saint. One I didn't earn but received  simply because I claim him(Jesus) as my Lord and savior and keep because I realize he is a choice that I choose daily. Knowing him doesn't end with choosing him, it's a daily experience of choices I make based on where my focus lies. If my focus shifts so do my choices and my direction. Claiming a title doesn't end there. It must be defended daily by my choices if I seek to keep it. 
One doesn't fall off a ledge instantly. There is the knowledge that you are traveling down a road and there is the possibility of missing the road. Even when you get to the edge you know you still have seconds of  awareness that you are about to fall, even as you fall you still have options of  how you fall, and depending on how much falling you have and what you are falling into. With so many ledges and so many options for endings I only wonder as to what good can come from having gone over one. But before venturing how sure are you that it is a quest to follow after, much like wind chasing.
I don't want to be a God for there is but one God and that is certainly not me. For I choose to follow his(Christ's) example as I follow him( Jesus) down the ladder ( the one we all use to define success in this world). Where do you stand and what are you falling for. 
 For it is his( Jesus Christ's) opinion I care for and his approval I seek.

Monday, November 16, 2015


Do you know who you are and what you stand for? Do you know what you are capable of and how far you will go?

What is your identity? Who are you and what makes you, you. Human beings can be very complex creature but even the most complicated of us is unique and one of a kind. Even though we all have things that tie us together and make us part of a whole, we are intended to fit certain holes uniquely, niched intended just for us.
Where do you fit and why? Do you fit there because you say so or others have pronounced this as your niche? What talents and skills define you and have you at hello. 
What do you do with your niche? What does your niche do for you?

Yes these are many questions. I felt I always knew my niche. Until one sunday afternoon when Steve Carter said a simple statement that has lead to my need to define where, what, and how I niche in.(During his sermon Nov.8th 2015 he refers to Bill Hybels knowlege of his gifts and how Bill says what they are and uses this knowledge to respond to opportunities presented to him)  So now I'm asking others. The power of knowing where and how you fit solves and answers many questions.
There is this unique situation that comes of you knowing were you fit. You will not say yes to things you have no business dabbling in when you know that is not your niche. Define yourself so you fit and fufill your part of a whole. Be the gift you were created to be, identify yourself.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015


So I grew up being told that to be stable you should live in one place for years. That the less one moves around the more grounded and stable one is. Also when raising children, not to move them in the middle of a school year because it destabilizes them.

Though in a world like today's where a job and opportunities sometimes define where you can live and what you can afford, it isn't always possible to just stay where you have always been. Are you supposed to commute two hours or more a day just to find a job that affords you life in your current location? So after your body, car, and life get the full workout that comes from stretching yourself in this way, you can now say you are stable. If you ask me that is one expensive price tag for stability. Plus the truth, what did you really gain that was worth all that loss. So you own a home and can't part with it. Don't want to rent it and selling just isn't profitable. Where does one draw the line and cut losses? So maybe you figure it all out and move for the job. You then lose the jobs two to four years later. What next another move. If you have kids do you then drag them through all that.

I could go on in scenarios but what I have come to understand is our definition of stable in the US is struggling to survive and has us struggling with it. Is it even worth one's while to stay stuck in one place and are the benefits worth the being stuck? After all, you got where you are because some family member, either a couple of decades ago or even more recently (could have even been you), with some courage moved.

'So is being stable being stuck or refusing to be moved by life's situations?'

I haven't decided, but I sure know that I am looking less and less stable. I'm evening thinking of living in two different cities across the US for different parts of the week and a foreign country for different parts of the year. In the end, I wonder if even after all that, will I be better off with all that instability. If the damage I do to  my kid will be worth the opportunities I create for him and the experiences that the situations bring.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Hobbies and the main Bread.

So all I have every really wanted to be was a Fashion Designer. Though from time to time, I have worked on the concept of doing something else to make my dream a reality. At one point, I even believed that this idea was selling out and would ultimately distract me from my main goal to be a Fashion Designer. As I said recently to a store manager, 'I love clothes and everything concerning clothes.' Yes, this is the truth, but what also bears to be true, is that I love and am great at other things that actually aren't related to clothes. So does that mean the end of Fashion as I envision it. No! It just means I have the coolest hobby in the world. This also means I get to do something else I love and am good at to make the Bread. Maybe now I'll actually make and sell clothes, with all the pressure gone to the bread making. Who knows! Though I am anxious for how this story called my life ends. I've never been so intrigued by myself. 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Best Vacation Ever!!!

If I reflect on this move as one giant vacation, then there will be no insult to injury. I moved from a cold climate to a hot one. Across an entire country to an entirely different state, environment, people, and more differences than even I expected. I was fine with the move. I even learned to be fine with the daily issues that kept popping out the woodwork. Though in the end I feel as if I didn't fight hard enough to stay here. I feel as if a part of me wanted to go back, despite my love for the drive to work, and all the things that made me excited to be here. I think secretly in the recesses of my mind I couldn't let go of where I was coming from even though I was desperate to leave it behind. One day I realized I was still calling where I had come from 'home'. Initially, I assumed it was because it had been my home for the longest. It was the place I had lived that most in all my life moves.  I grew to be Me, there! Though now I see that I just secretly longed to return. So back to where I came from I go. This was truly an amazing vacation. I will miss this place but I know where to come the next time I need a good vacation.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Failure aptitude.

For some people, such as me, failing is something we do well and on a grand scale. I can definitely say I have failed on decently proportioned levels. Through my failure is not as grand as running a company underground, it's still big enough to cause a gawking reaction in any normal human being. As I sit here viewing the height of my failure all I can think of is why should I put my head between my legs and just give up. I barely even have the energy to face how bad this failure is and how I have affected lives, not merely my own. Not even focusing on my new string of added debt I now have. I just keep thinking I can still....    I can still do this, I should do this and this to get this and this taken care of. Please note my eyes are swollen and red from crying and inside this hurts like hell, let's not even touch on the lost pride. Though I can honestly say, I can see the silver lining. I can see solutions to the kayos that is going to follow this mess. I guess this is how I have now learnt to deal with my crises. Oh, do I cringe at some of the phone calls I will have to make! Ouch! My Facebook changes will suck. Though in a way I am proud of myself for taking a risk. I don't even want to look at what this crisis means I will be losing. Man life can be painful. Thank goodness, there is better for those who never give up the quest for it. I do hope though that my lesson learned does not need relearning.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Why Not!

So I up and left.

I was done hearing my friend talk about how you should live where you want to and be happy there. I had gotten comfortable where life had brought me by default. I had thought about moving several times but would end up just looking for a better neighborhood. After several neighborhood haunts and a few moves to some of the ones that moved me, I still ended up back in the burbs hiding at my mother's place avoiding the shame of life as I knew it. A few years passed by quietly as I struggled to find some solace in just trying to fix any of the many things I had failed at. My list of failures is very impressive. So I finally decided I didn't want to focus on what was wrong with me but what was right with me. I decided I wanted to live somewhere that was natural disaster free, within the US as it just makes sense for now, and economically sweet for me. So I also paid attention to tax rates and housing prices. As well as areas that are currently experiencing a growth. Then my friend had this genius idea that since I wasn't sure if I would have a job that could keep it together when I moved I should probably apply for public housing. At this time, I just didn't want to fall on my face and wanted any form of comfort, in this so off key planning decision making, so I just did. She found something in the state that was just grabbing my attention. So I applied. We assumed if I got it it could be used anywhere. Got an email a week later that broke that bubble. It could only be used in that city. So I began to research the city and before I knew it, I wanted to live there. I got in touch with a realtor and practically rented a place. Later got an email that I was not on the waiting list for the assisted home, but could care less at that point. Then I got here and it has been beautiful and certainly one crazy major event after another. Maybe I'll sit down more and pen my crazy adventures. I'm sure you'll think I'm lying. Though I would love it if people stopped asking me why I moved here. I just did. By the way the weather is awesome and I can't get over the view of the water, just beautiful. 

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Man's expectation vs. a woman's plight.

So I finally found the words to say regarding the old age tradition or idea that a wife's duty is slave laborer to her husband (Breathe and come with a real and open mind. This isn't a rant and rave. I am not saying or encouraging a woman to not serve her husband, I am simply asking that men not be asses because a woman is serving them. Read on for full understanding)

To my future husband,

I hope to have a relationship with you that breeds understanding.  That there is understanding that the relationship's success depends on yours willingness to insure that your wife is not only happy but gets help when and where she needs it. Why? Because loving her also means caring about her needs and the needs of the family (Us and our children). Whether it be by assisting with chores or helping with the cooking. It should be understood that no man or woman should have to struggle alone or suffer while the other sits back and reaps the hard work or rewards of the other without ever playing a part. In no world is that fair. So I ask that you look past selfish and male dominant chauvinistic traditions and you get real, by showing me that you love and care for me, my health, and my welfare by being my partner in every sense of the word in a real and tangible manner. Going above and beyond the basics and taking part in every aspect of our lives. Please note I expect no less of myself and appreciate every sincere effort you make.


Your Love


I know that even though I have asked for these things I know you will still make your own decisions and be you. I only hope that you love and understand me enough to be considerate. Knowing that you have the keys to the success and happiness of our marriage. Please remember that though you are in charge it doesn't mean you should neglect my wishes or disregard my needs no matter what you think of them. Also please remember, I love you.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Dear Fear,

Dear Fear,

I just want you to know that we are not friends. I don't want you in my life or near it. You are no longer allowed to hang out with me. You don't care about me and it is obvious you are out to see me fail. I know you wish me a miserable end and all kinds of sadness. I will no longer entertain your lies that you even care about me not getting hurt or that you are all about my best interests. Fear, I will no longer listen when you try to convince me to not do what is in my heart to do. I will no longer seek your counsel on any matter, life changing or just simple decisions. Fear, you are no longer allowed to be the reason I hold back from doing anything. You deceiving maniquial jerk. You just get a kick out of keeping me depressed and unable to reach my potential all the while lying to me that you are protecting me. I will no longer allow myself to even think that being afraid of my future whatever it may be is in my best interest. You are truly a scoundrel Fear, a dirt bag of a tall order. I still don't know why I listened to you all these years. Why I could ever have believed you were my friend and you cared about me. Fear you couldn't have cared about me and to think I gave you years of my life. What did I get in return. I was miserable, always thinking if I just listened to you that I could avoid bad things. When all along, Fear, you were the bad thing I should have been avoiding. How is it I didn't see what you were making me into.  All the things I didn't do because of you, Fear. How couldn't I see that you are a selfish life sucking Bastard! You are not allowed anywhere near me. I will be getting a restraining order against you Fear. I am done with you for good and I mean it this time. I hope others run from you and avoid you with a passion. You are truly something to be detested, Fear. I don't know what made me even think to want to be your friend. All the things you stole from me and I gave you thinking you would be there through thick and thin. All the while you were stripping me of myself , my value, and my worth. All which I'm taking back and you'll never get another chance again to rob me of anything. Good bye and Good riddance, Fear.



Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Are you being Lead to slaughter?

I'm in a panic! I keep thinking I'm so not going to make it.

Why not? Well I have a broken support system. I've been trusting people who clearly have issues of their own that even I see solutions to.

" If you can't see that I have it together in the ways you want it together and my faults aren't faults that are warranted, then why do you trust me?"
Sometimes we are simply lost and in a flux so much so that people whom we'd never trust to hold our hands through a storm get to.
All I'm saying is don't get caught up in the thoughts that become your reality in the mist of fear and anxiety. Cause the choices one makes during those crucial moments often determine your success rate.

         Imagine a calm and peaceful sea                 
Calm waters


Choppy Waters
 Anxiety and fear can never be the peaceful sea. So if you want peace of mind. Start my calming down long enough to step out of your situation and to realistically look at it from a far. Kind of like google earth.(A satellite view of the world that can be zoomed in or out). When you finish telling yourself the truth of your situation do yourself a favor and don't judge yourself.  Just figure out step one. Cause there will be more steps after that. If your still busy shaming and blaming you'll probably never make it to your first step before you fall back into the anxiety and fear that are eager to welcome you back.

Also the blame game is just that a game. So don't waste your time with it cause guess what you can't do if you're busy playing it. Yep you guessed it, take a step.


It's not an excuse to give up or stop trying.

So I hope you don't make friends with Fear or Anxiety cause they sure aren't worth your while.