Repercussions

So there is this basic life understanding that when you do something there is the likely hood that something can come of it and it might not be favorable. Kind of like a boomarang returns to it's source. So I've spent a huge portion of my life breaking hearts. It's wasn't all for the pleasure of it, sometimes it just was. So it should be natural that eventually someone would have to break mine. Only the thing is I never though that I would be responsible for breaking my own heart. Though I felt I was cutting an arm that needed to be cut so as to get on with it (life as I imaged it). Though now looking back on this situation through the eyes of the one, whom I caused far more harm than I ever intended, I can say I feel your pain. At the time I was causeing the pain I did clearly see and can now admit knowing that I caused sever injuries. I felt it was neccessary. I felt I was being honest and of course honesty is the best policy. I however have learned since then that I hate the serious questions we have to ask ourselves. Even more I hate the serious conversations we have to have with others. Though as amazing an escape artist I am, even I have learned that there comes a time in life that we must face the messes we make and do what we can for the injuries our actions cause. Now I'm not saying hang yourself or anything major. All I'm saying is own your mistakes and be willing to give a helping hand in helping someone recover from the injuries you inflict. WARNING: Don't loose yourself giving a hand to uplift another. Certainly help but know when they are just looking to see you suffer as a way of getting better. Then there's the instance where it's going to need a third party( a counselor) to assist in a healthy and safe mending process. Don't go it alone if you feel the situation seems heavy and a repeat of the original situation that had you feeling cornered and escaping in any manner necessary. 

So here's to clean up on isle 4.

The ending

Sometimes we feel we have it all figured out. No one knows tomorrow is a very true and real line. Cause even when we have it all mapped out and scheduled, it can still turn out differently. So no plan is perfect because of the element we call  life. As someone used to remind me, 'Never say never'. Why? Cause the same way you don't know what tomorrow brings you don't know where you might end back up. So as my father says, as you climb up the ladder of life make sure to leave things on good terms with people. Don't snob anybody and never think yourself too good to hang with anyone. He also said when in Rome do as the Romans do. After all if they were good enough for you on the way up then they should still be good enough on the way down.

Brain pick

   The art of picking your brain. Knowing what choices you make and why you make them. I've found that  playing back events accurately in your mind, kind of like a review of the game, can give you an advantage in life. Much like a review of the game helps you to see what you couldn't while you were playing because you were concentrating on playing the game. Life is similar in that while you're in a moment your focus is limited, it's not possible to see every single angle and possibility. So it helps to review moments in life with elements of occurrences that surprised or aspects that disappointed you. This not only helps you to get a better look at the situation but you get to know what the full situation was. Players review the game to see what they could do better, their strengths, and how they performed.
  Why shouldn't you review moments in your life that hold some significance to you and then with time you can get into the habit of just reviewing everything. Why? Cause why wouldn't you want to be your best you. It also makes you pay attention to what kind of person you are becoming in all situations. Mainly when you are aware of your assets you can see how to best use them. They say the weakest link in a chain determines the strength of the chain. Well if you know your weaknesses then you can see how and what triggers them by reviewing situation where you felt you could be better. Self evaluation is always more effective than when someone else evaluates your performance because we are ten time much harder on ourselves than others, especially when we don't have to share the information of our finding. So know what you need to know about yourself by reviewing what you do, so you can be in control of who you are becoming and where you are going as well as what you stand for. So get to picking you don't know what you'll find.

The looking glass or a realistic reality of dreams.

The beauty of life is you should not always be one thing and that one thing all the time.  Just like you will have sad days some days while others will be happy ones. The important thing is understanding that life must always be a balance.  As long as you don't always go around feeling like you are a failure or look happy even when you are not, you will probably be just fine.  Life is real.  This means that you will have conflicts and triumphs so long as you keep trying your best.  

The one thing life and situations should never relieve you of is your ability to fight.  Knowing when to fight and when to rest is crucial to keeping the balance. As well as knowing what is worth fighting for.  Though what is worth fighting for is best decided by you seeing as you get to deal with the consequences. Know what's important to you and what you can do away with. 

Don't drop the ball of life, that juggling act we all carry out everyday maintaining balance for the sake of whatever reason we seek balance, then again it's just a mess when it does fall to the ground.  If I were you I wouldn't worry about dropping the ball till I did. What would be the point of worrying seeing as you were unable to prevent it.  Is having to clean a mess really worth you losing peace of mind over. All the lost moments that could have been better spent if you weren't so focused on what shouldn't go wrong or what inevitably did go wrong. Deal with life as each stage comes not before the outcome has even showed up.  Enjoy dreaming and if it doesn't work dream some more. While you dream please don't forget to work on reality making it a better picture and putting in the work required also. 

Reality Struck!

Everyone has an opinion a notion of how it all should be but what do you do when reality never meets up- should you fight or just except that that just isn't your story. I'm speaking of fighting for a relationship. That moment when it all begins to fall apart into reality when the Cloud 9 everything is perfect dust wears off. When you and them start to picture your future. Everyone will give you advice but in the end its your move. Don't beat yourself up whatever you decided no matter the outcome. As long as you gave it your best. Cause in the end your best is all you have to give. 

Not good enough

"Not good enough."  This statement usually means you're yourself to something else or someone. I'm rating myself and the things I do and create to what others have done and created. Your race/efforts in life are not born of the same as the other person you are comparing yourself to. So your outcome can never match up or be equivalent to theirs. I know this but I still find myself using others successes and failures as measuring sticks for my life. It's like I can't get past just going off of what I've done so far compared to where I'm trying to get to. I know that no matter which way I try I can't measure up to anyone else. All that energy could be better spent on looking at what I'm striving to achieve in life instead. What do I even want from my efforts? What do I want of myself in completing a project? What is even still important to me? What do I want to accomplish or work out?  Don't worry about how you want it to look.- Now that's and idea. I should just go for it and stop thinking so hard. I find that I spend far too much time assessing and far too little doing. Cause after all my mind is a direction an idea of how to begin. An idea is not in any way shape or form an outcome but just a starting point. So never bank on your idea being your out come- it will result in fustration, irritation, and if not careful depression. Instead focus on what you want to achieve. Use the idea in your head to figure out direction and intensity. Use it to figure out the values or measurements for this thing you seek to create. Cause everything in life is in essence a project, including you, which you create. 

Help!

Are you open to help. I've never really been one to allow others to assist me unless I was almost desperate. I wait till I'm so pressed it's almost certain I'll pee on myself- which we all know never turns out well. (Forgive me but I couldn't resist that analogy it seemed perfect and far less painful than the truth.) Yes sometimes as we know accidents happen and yes I did leak a bit. There's nothing like trying to hedge off pending disaster. Anything from self imposed financial miss steps to nature and real situations just dooming you. No matter how severe the impending doom or leak may be, I've learned that two or more heads are better than one. Even if no one can help you avoid the gloom doom you want a cheerleading squad who will motivate and encourage you back up to your feet. Which is better or more likely to receive what they need sooner; A runner who falls in the woods and no one is aware of or A runner who falls at an Olympic arena. Don't be alone when things turn from positive, even people who just want to say I told you so are better than nothing. The words you failed or I told you so can't kill you, they'll only make you stronger. Nor should they shame you. They were invented to remind us of our human propensity to make mistakes. Making a mistake is not ever the problem. The greater issue is not acknowledging that one occurred.- You are human, forgive yourself.

I bit my tongue

I bit my tongue and it began to bleed.

The blood gushed out and began to stain.

I hurried to seek assistance in halting the flow.

We both let go only to find it wasn't bound at all

I raced to halt the flow. 

Oh my, 

Oh me,

Oh no!

How could so small blow so big?

Oh how could such a thing be.

I closed my mouth and sucked,

for I'd made far worse a mess.

I manned up and squeezed tightly on my tongue.

Breathing steady in hopes to slow the flow.

Listen. Are you listening?

 My father always told me, 'listen more and talk less.'  I wasn't listening. I was too busy talking. I didn't hear you withdraw into yourself. I didn't pay attention when you spoke of needing to leave. I didn't want to hear what I didn't want to hear.That I don't listen when people talk. I was rather bored with the thought of my father's comment at the time he said it. As most things go though I've come to see that with time comes wisdom. I've learned that I could have prevented a lot of my broken hearts and life pains just by listening. Only who wants to hear that. As Maya Angelou once said and I heard Oprah Winfrey say, 'People will tell you who they are, do yourself a favor, and pay attention the first time around.' Simply said listen and be willing to respect the words of the speaker. We all hear what we want to though. When we sit quietly and play back occurrence in our minds, there's no denying that even the most vicious and malicious of people gave us fair warning as to who they were. Were you listening and did you take them at their word. A man's word is sacred. It is a measurement of his character and moral fiber. So why not listen? Next time listen you'll be surprised how much you were told. Though please don't mistaken listening for assuming. For when you assume you make an ass of yourself. When unsure seek clarity but know that it might not come. If clarity isn't yours to behold be willing to let go, because in truth, no one owes you anything. It would be nice but it's not necessary. 

Food for fodder

I wear them like badges of honor but what honor is in a scar. A scar is a marker of shame and all the things gone wrong. Some are visible to the naked eye while others are hidden deep beneath the flesh. Whether hidden or in plain sight they exist and are real. With pain scars are born. Markers of painful memories real or fained but the pain is proof of their existence. Pain that has no cure other than time. Pain that can't be shooed away with a pill or two. Pain that leaves you bare and sore to the bone. What good is such pain? Well you should know that that very pain is the essence of man. It's what motivates a man to greatness. Though be warned it drives others to their ruin. So to those who suffer such pains, I wish you to greatness, and much success. For such pain is best used as motivation than to be left to eat away at a mans very core. What good would you be then. You would be food for fodder.

Cry me a river.

So for the first time in my life I'm not the one afraid to give in a relationship.  I'm inches from tears but I know my heart isn't breaking. All I can think is live and let live. I've always believed that what is truely mine will be mine. I don't believe in the concept of holding people back or keeping them from leaving, no matter how I feel. Cause in the end there was a very real reason they wanted to leave and if not now then when. When will they gather the courage to leave. So in truth never deter someone who has it in their heart to leave. You did nothing wrong and at fault or not it's still their choice to leave. People who make up their mind to leave have usually thought it through. They know why, whether it be fear or something legit. Just cause they don't deem it important to share with you is no reason for you to get angry or think you have the right to make demands of them. Live and let live. Just know that you'll be the one wanting to leave something one day or another and you'll want the respect of being allowed to leave in peace.