What counts?

I realized something just now- for awhile I've been considering myself a failure and wondering how to remedy this. I realized that every time I woke up with some new way to get things in motion a ten ton brick hit me as soon as I attempted to try out the idea. Ironically you would think that by now I'd stop dreaming of better and grandeur. That I'd settle and settle down into sub par life. Though for some reason some part of me refuses, believe me I've tried. I end up waking up with another dream perfect for a another ten ton brick assault. Though the random thought that really hit me hard today is why haven't I given up all this time and why am I still carrying these specific dreams I dreamt up as a child. What is the big deal that has me going and fighting what appears to all watching, to be a losing battle, that they would love for me to give up or do it their way. Please note their way doesn't include the grandeur or incite excitement to my senses the way my ideas do. As I've come to learn, my motivation is only sparked by what moves me. So came the question what determines my success. That I keep trying til I die or that every single one of my ideas is realized exactly as I dreamt it as a child. The other acceptable idea is meeting somewhere in the middle of chasing the perfected dream and reaching some of the childhood goals. Though when someone recently informed me that there were all these successful people who died believing they were failure I gasped. Then he listed them: Abraham Lincoln, Picasso, and there were more. I was left remembering what really matters at the end of the day is not how well I reach or don't reach my goals but the peoples lives I touch with my smile and my heart. So simply said, don't sweat the meaningless junk we fill our lives with. Though even more importantly don't let that stuff define you instead reach out and touch someone- AT&T style if need be or up close and personal if you get the chance. 

Cloud 9

I'm floating just above the ground. I see no wrong and everything seems just as it should be aka perfect. All the things that were wrong with my life seem like distant shadows. I feel like I'm not holding my breath but I know I'm not breathing. It's like I know that this isn't all real and I'm awaiting reality. I'm in that moment of surreal bliss. When another human is a source of bliss, a flicker of hope, the answer to all that was wrong with life. The reality is of course that we are responsible for our joy and view of life. Though in this moment I'm losing all concepts of responsibility for all that is my responsibility. I want you to take over. I don't want to be blamed for what's wrong in my life. I don't want to be responsible for fixing it. I don't want people to look at me and ask why things are this way. I want to be free of the responsibility of my life or any other responsibilities that are expected to be mine. This Cloud nine looks so familiar and reminds me of this incurable desire to be a child again. Isn't that what irresponsible people really are, people who refuse to man up and become adults. Cloud nine a place where I escape what life is and has become. Don't mind me I'm in a great place but I'm not even allowing myself to enjoy it. So what if it's surreal, it exist, it's real, and it's a moment worthy of enjoying. Not much different than a well cooked meal or a walk in the park. Here's to letting go and letting live for that only takes place when we enjoy what is there to be enjoyed.

The condition of a human's heart.

  Sometimes you know something so well you stop looking at it. You feel you've learned it and know that thing well enough to teach about it or confidently say you know it. This is how I felt about the Good Samaritan story until December 29th 2013 at Willow Creek (Yes, I'm marking the date as it's definitely a life marker moment). So what was so different about the story on that night. I heard the intent not the commonality of it but it's true intent, I learned it anew. What was so very different that I just had to make note. I'll sum it up but if you are truly curious check it out. So the gist of the new view is the concept that a Rabbi places his family, the idea of being mocked, and the value of a vacation, aka rest, over the life of a man who he knows not. A Levite who thinks all the very things the Rabbi thought or who simply keeps going on the basis that his example, his leader, and teacher of how to live life didn't stop then he obviously should not. I'm going to pause cause for me these implications were not just mind blowing, boggling, but I could justify them and even agree with them. I realized that what makes the 'heart of man cruel' is sometime the simplicity of the mind. Now the Samaritan is special not because he stop but for so many other reasons. It isn't that this man does a good deed, it's not that he thinks of someone else more than himself throughout the entirety of the acts in which he performs, it's not even that he thinks through all the details while still keeping to what he was about.  No, it's simply that this man continues his journey but adds a total stranger into his plans,makes room, and gives importance to the least likely of peoples- a stranger. In this telling for the first time the Samaritan resembles the story teller and that was the biggest irony of the story. The thing no one else is looking for or even aware of till years later when the storyteller dies and his life unfolds to reveal his story. So when a few days later I find myself watching an odd movie on love called 'Overnight' (can be found on Netflix) I'm stuck on this idea from the movie 'do we really love and how someone can know that we aren't faking it'. Though the movie does try to address it. I returned to the thought of the guy who the Samaritan saves from certain death waking up at an inn days or weeks later fully recovered and safe. All I can think is 'Is he grateful and what does he make of his situation'. I also look at the situation and think if a stranger does that then what should someone who truly loves you do. Since loving yourself is the barometer for how much love you will have for others just imagine how that Samaritan loved himself, was willing to share his love, and open himself up to give in such an unselfish way.