Failure aptitude.

For some people, such as me, failing is something we do well and on a grand scale. I can definitely say I have failed on decently proportioned levels. Through my failure is not as grand as running a company underground, it's still big enough to cause a gawking reaction in any normal human being. As I sit here viewing the height of my failure all I can think of is why should I put my head between my legs and just give up. I barely even have the energy to face how bad this failure is and how I have affected lives, not merely my own. Not even focusing on my new string of added debt I now have. I just keep thinking I can still....    I can still do this, I should do this and this to get this and this taken care of. Please note my eyes are swollen and red from crying and inside this hurts like hell, let's not even touch on the lost pride. Though I can honestly say, I can see the silver lining. I can see solutions to the kayos that is going to follow this mess. I guess this is how I have now learnt to deal with my crises. Oh, do I cringe at some of the phone calls I will have to make! Ouch! My Facebook changes will suck. Though in a way I am proud of myself for taking a risk. I don't even want to look at what this crisis means I will be losing. Man life can be painful. Thank goodness, there is better for those who never give up the quest for it. I do hope though that my lesson learned does not need relearning.

Why Not!

So I up and left.

I was done hearing my friend talk about how you should live where you want to and be happy there. I had gotten comfortable where life had brought me by default. I had thought about moving several times but would end up just looking for a better neighborhood. After several neighborhood haunts and a few moves to some of the ones that moved me, I still ended up back in the burbs hiding at my mother's place avoiding the shame of life as I knew it. A few years passed by quietly as I struggled to find some solace in just trying to fix any of the many things I had failed at. My list of failures is very impressive. So I finally decided I didn't want to focus on what was wrong with me but what was right with me. I decided I wanted to live somewhere that was natural disaster free, within the US as it just makes sense for now, and economically sweet for me. So I also paid attention to tax rates and housing prices. As well as areas that are currently experiencing a growth. Then my friend had this genius idea that since I wasn't sure if I would have a job that could keep it together when I moved I should probably apply for public housing. At this time, I just didn't want to fall on my face and wanted any form of comfort, in this so off key planning decision making, so I just did. She found something in the state that was just grabbing my attention. So I applied. We assumed if I got it it could be used anywhere. Got an email a week later that broke that bubble. It could only be used in that city. So I began to research the city and before I knew it, I wanted to live there. I got in touch with a realtor and practically rented a place. Later got an email that I was not on the waiting list for the assisted home, but could care less at that point. Then I got here and it has been beautiful and certainly one crazy major event after another. Maybe I'll sit down more and pen my crazy adventures. I'm sure you'll think I'm lying. Though I would love it if people stopped asking me why I moved here. I just did. By the way the weather is awesome and I can't get over the view of the water, just beautiful. 

Calamities by the dozen

So my friend has a theory that when some people are about to make some major changes in life that sometimes they can experience a series of unfortunate events.  As someone who almost always has this experience please note I found comfort in my friend's words.

So when I experienced the side effects of a city of Chicago clerical error that lead to a one month vacation where I couldn't earn a penny but had everything I needed and more. Please note I'd never been as furstated and helpless knowing I couldn't fight, fathom, or do anything about what was happening to me. Also the way the situation resolved itself was a God moment. (A moment you, everyone around you, and others who hear the story conclude was above human understanding and predictions.)

What came next was a mindset and a readiness to be moved. Because I learned from my one month imposed period of rest (see Ps. 23 ver 2) that my view of life needed reshaping. My attitude and willingness to change course needed editing. As soon as I could work again and somehow ended up at the assignment I left I met someone who gave me a quote that is becoming my drive in this season of life. 

          "Vision without execution is a                                             hallucination." - MC

Now I thought it was just a nice post-it that I stuck to my glove compartment and was reading daily till I made a massive life decision based on it. No longer was it motivating me to stick my neck out and make things happen that people were telling me no on.

      (Thank you to Rachel Hollis, author of 'Girl Wash Your Face' For teaching me that no is not the end and not to pester people just because I'm choosing not to take no for an answer.)

 It began to make me much more willing to do and listen to what God was wispering for me to do first through very unrelated events then in moments of awkward comfort that came from left field. I found myself moving. Sometimes we get a moment of rest to regroup and prepare. Don't waste time being offended for too long a period, but please be offended, or you'll carry the emotion with you if you've not let it out. Just don't make it your permanent address and live there or visit often.

Man's expectation vs. a woman's plight.

So I finally found the words to say regarding the old age tradition or idea that a wife's duty is slave laborer to her husband (Breathe and come with a real and open mind. This isn't a rant and rave. I am not saying or encouraging a woman to not serve her husband, I am simply asking that men not be asses because a woman is serving them. Read on for full understanding)

To my future husband,

I hope to have a relationship with you that breeds understanding.  That there is understanding that the relationship's success depends on yours willingness to insure that your wife is not only happy but gets help when and where she needs it. Why? Because loving her also means caring about her needs and the needs of the family (Us and our children). Whether it be by assisting with chores or helping with the cooking. It should be understood that no man or woman should have to struggle alone or suffer while the other sits back and reaps the hard work or rewards of the other without ever playing a part. In no world is that fair. So I ask that you look past selfish and male dominant chauvinistic traditions and you get real, by showing me that you love and care for me, my health, and my welfare by being my partner in every sense of the word in a real and tangible manner. Going above and beyond the basics and taking part in every aspect of our lives. Please note I expect no less of myself and appreciate every sincere effort you make.

Sincerely,

Your Love

PS

I know that even though I have asked for these things I know you will still make your own decisions and be you. I only hope that you love and understand me enough to be considerate. Knowing that you have the keys to the success and happiness of our marriage. Please remember that though you are in charge it doesn't mean you should neglect my wishes or disregard my needs no matter what you think of them. Also please remember, I love you.

Dear Fear,

Dear Fear,

I just want you to know that we are not friends. I don't want you in my life or near it. You are no longer allowed to hang out with me. You don't care about me and it is obvious you are out to see me fail. I know you wish me a miserable end and all kinds of sadness. I will no longer entertain your lies that you even care about me not getting hurt or that you are all about my best interests. Fear, I will no longer listen when you try to convince me to not do what is in my heart to do. I will no longer seek your counsel on any matter, life changing or just simple decisions. Fear, you are no longer allowed to be the reason I hold back from doing anything. You deceiving maniquial jerk. You just get a kick out of keeping me depressed and unable to reach my potential all the while lying to me that you are protecting me. I will no longer allow myself to even think that being afraid of my future whatever it may be is in my best interest. You are truly a scoundrel Fear, a dirt bag of a tall order. I still don't know why I listened to you all these years. Why I could ever have believed you were my friend and you cared about me. Fear you couldn't have cared about me and to think I gave you years of my life. What did I get in return. I was miserable, always thinking if I just listened to you that I could avoid bad things. When all along, Fear, you were the bad thing I should have been avoiding. How is it I didn't see what you were making me into.  All the things I didn't do because of you, Fear. How couldn't I see that you are a selfish life sucking Bastard! You are not allowed anywhere near me. I will be getting a restraining order against you Fear. I am done with you for good and I mean it this time. I hope others run from you and avoid you with a passion. You are truly something to be detested, Fear. I don't know what made me even think to want to be your friend. All the things you stole from me and I gave you thinking you would be there through thick and thin. All the while you were stripping me of myself , my value, and my worth. All which I'm taking back and you'll never get another chance again to rob me of anything. Good bye and Good riddance, Fear.

Sincerely,

Amiete