Listen. Are you listening?

 My father always told me, 'listen more and talk less.'  I wasn't listening. I was too busy talking. I didn't hear you withdraw into yourself. I didn't pay attention when you spoke of needing to leave. I didn't want to hear what I didn't want to hear.That I don't listen when people talk. I was rather bored with the thought of my father's comment at the time he said it. As most things go though I've come to see that with time comes wisdom. I've learned that I could have prevented a lot of my broken hearts and life pains just by listening. Only who wants to hear that. As Maya Angelou once said and I heard Oprah Winfrey say, 'People will tell you who they are, do yourself a favor, and pay attention the first time around.' Simply said listen and be willing to respect the words of the speaker. We all hear what we want to though. When we sit quietly and play back occurrence in our minds, there's no denying that even the most vicious and malicious of people gave us fair warning as to who they were. Were you listening and did you take them at their word. A man's word is sacred. It is a measurement of his character and moral fiber. So why not listen? Next time listen you'll be surprised how much you were told. Though please don't mistaken listening for assuming. For when you assume you make an ass of yourself. When unsure seek clarity but know that it might not come. If clarity isn't yours to behold be willing to let go, because in truth, no one owes you anything. It would be nice but it's not necessary. 

Food for fodder

I wear them like badges of honor but what honor is in a scar. A scar is a marker of shame and all the things gone wrong. Some are visible to the naked eye while others are hidden deep beneath the flesh. Whether hidden or in plain sight they exist and are real. With pain scars are born. Markers of painful memories real or fained but the pain is proof of their existence. Pain that has no cure other than time. Pain that can't be shooed away with a pill or two. Pain that leaves you bare and sore to the bone. What good is such pain? Well you should know that that very pain is the essence of man. It's what motivates a man to greatness. Though be warned it drives others to their ruin. So to those who suffer such pains, I wish you to greatness, and much success. For such pain is best used as motivation than to be left to eat away at a mans very core. What good would you be then. You would be food for fodder.

Cry me a river.

So for the first time in my life I'm not the one afraid to give in a relationship.  I'm inches from tears but I know my heart isn't breaking. All I can think is live and let live. I've always believed that what is truely mine will be mine. I don't believe in the concept of holding people back or keeping them from leaving, no matter how I feel. Cause in the end there was a very real reason they wanted to leave and if not now then when. When will they gather the courage to leave. So in truth never deter someone who has it in their heart to leave. You did nothing wrong and at fault or not it's still their choice to leave. People who make up their mind to leave have usually thought it through. They know why, whether it be fear or something legit. Just cause they don't deem it important to share with you is no reason for you to get angry or think you have the right to make demands of them. Live and let live. Just know that you'll be the one wanting to leave something one day or another and you'll want the respect of being allowed to leave in peace.  

What counts?

I realized something just now- for awhile I've been considering myself a failure and wondering how to remedy this. I realized that every time I woke up with some new way to get things in motion a ten ton brick hit me as soon as I attempted to try out the idea. Ironically you would think that by now I'd stop dreaming of better and grandeur. That I'd settle and settle down into sub par life. Though for some reason some part of me refuses, believe me I've tried. I end up waking up with another dream perfect for a another ten ton brick assault. Though the random thought that really hit me hard today is why haven't I given up all this time and why am I still carrying these specific dreams I dreamt up as a child. What is the big deal that has me going and fighting what appears to all watching, to be a losing battle, that they would love for me to give up or do it their way. Please note their way doesn't include the grandeur or incite excitement to my senses the way my ideas do. As I've come to learn, my motivation is only sparked by what moves me. So came the question what determines my success. That I keep trying til I die or that every single one of my ideas is realized exactly as I dreamt it as a child. The other acceptable idea is meeting somewhere in the middle of chasing the perfected dream and reaching some of the childhood goals. Though when someone recently informed me that there were all these successful people who died believing they were failure I gasped. Then he listed them: Abraham Lincoln, Picasso, and there were more. I was left remembering what really matters at the end of the day is not how well I reach or don't reach my goals but the peoples lives I touch with my smile and my heart. So simply said, don't sweat the meaningless junk we fill our lives with. Though even more importantly don't let that stuff define you instead reach out and touch someone- AT&T style if need be or up close and personal if you get the chance. 

Cloud 9

I'm floating just above the ground. I see no wrong and everything seems just as it should be aka perfect. All the things that were wrong with my life seem like distant shadows. I feel like I'm not holding my breath but I know I'm not breathing. It's like I know that this isn't all real and I'm awaiting reality. I'm in that moment of surreal bliss. When another human is a source of bliss, a flicker of hope, the answer to all that was wrong with life. The reality is of course that we are responsible for our joy and view of life. Though in this moment I'm losing all concepts of responsibility for all that is my responsibility. I want you to take over. I don't want to be blamed for what's wrong in my life. I don't want to be responsible for fixing it. I don't want people to look at me and ask why things are this way. I want to be free of the responsibility of my life or any other responsibilities that are expected to be mine. This Cloud nine looks so familiar and reminds me of this incurable desire to be a child again. Isn't that what irresponsible people really are, people who refuse to man up and become adults. Cloud nine a place where I escape what life is and has become. Don't mind me I'm in a great place but I'm not even allowing myself to enjoy it. So what if it's surreal, it exist, it's real, and it's a moment worthy of enjoying. Not much different than a well cooked meal or a walk in the park. Here's to letting go and letting live for that only takes place when we enjoy what is there to be enjoyed.