The condition of a human's heart.

  Sometimes you know something so well you stop looking at it. You feel you've learned it and know that thing well enough to teach about it or confidently say you know it. This is how I felt about the Good Samaritan story until December 29th 2013 at Willow Creek (Yes, I'm marking the date as it's definitely a life marker moment). So what was so different about the story on that night. I heard the intent not the commonality of it but it's true intent, I learned it anew. What was so very different that I just had to make note. I'll sum it up but if you are truly curious check it out. So the gist of the new view is the concept that a Rabbi places his family, the idea of being mocked, and the value of a vacation, aka rest, over the life of a man who he knows not. A Levite who thinks all the very things the Rabbi thought or who simply keeps going on the basis that his example, his leader, and teacher of how to live life didn't stop then he obviously should not. I'm going to pause cause for me these implications were not just mind blowing, boggling, but I could justify them and even agree with them. I realized that what makes the 'heart of man cruel' is sometime the simplicity of the mind. Now the Samaritan is special not because he stop but for so many other reasons. It isn't that this man does a good deed, it's not that he thinks of someone else more than himself throughout the entirety of the acts in which he performs, it's not even that he thinks through all the details while still keeping to what he was about.  No, it's simply that this man continues his journey but adds a total stranger into his plans,makes room, and gives importance to the least likely of peoples- a stranger. In this telling for the first time the Samaritan resembles the story teller and that was the biggest irony of the story. The thing no one else is looking for or even aware of till years later when the storyteller dies and his life unfolds to reveal his story. So when a few days later I find myself watching an odd movie on love called 'Overnight' (can be found on Netflix) I'm stuck on this idea from the movie 'do we really love and how someone can know that we aren't faking it'. Though the movie does try to address it. I returned to the thought of the guy who the Samaritan saves from certain death waking up at an inn days or weeks later fully recovered and safe. All I can think is 'Is he grateful and what does he make of his situation'. I also look at the situation and think if a stranger does that then what should someone who truly loves you do. Since loving yourself is the barometer for how much love you will have for others just imagine how that Samaritan loved himself, was willing to share his love, and open himself up to give in such an unselfish way.

I'm afraid

I'm afraid to let you love me. I don't mind loving you. Don't mind being there for you. Love caring and thinking of you. But I am deftly afraid of even letting go of myself.  The thought that you could not just love me back but stay for forever, scares me.  I watched what I thought would be my mothers forever become a public and private display of humiliation served up by my father. As if that whole dibacle weren't enough I saw more pain caused by her next Mr. Forever. All around I witnessed Mr. Forevers and all the pain, humiliation, and messes they left in their wake. Oh yes, my attempts at forever, just as messy, and in some cases messier. The journey back from a broken heart is riddled with pain. Though in the end it's the fears that take the longest to cure. So I know that if I really want this I need to stop letting fear have it's way with me.

Want

Why do you want what you want? I'm asking myself this question because I've gotten to a space of life that I have to grow up, as one of my co-workers said to me. She said this after a conversation about her morning routine. She is a married woman with two children. So every morning she wakes by 4:30 am even if she's not working and gets her husband ready for work as well as any chore she can fit in, she then goes back to bed. When she wakes a few hours later she gets her children ready for their day or on a work day she goes to work. So I being a mother can relate to the being stuck to an almost instituted schedule. Though where I don't relate and honestly have secretly appreciated, was the husband aspect. So since I was in a sharing mood I stated just how I felt almost fortunate that I didn't have the extra responsibility. She then reminded me that that husbands come with perks(No doubt not everyone thinks this all the time but at least most people would agree with her.) Now I have to say that when she told me to flat out grow up, I was so not expecting that. I'd never had someone say it like that before. I had to ask myself why didn't I want to grow up. I know!!! Who wants to leave the land of imagination and join the hordes of my husband this and that. I love knowing I can imagine something and do it without checking with someone. Though don't get me wrong the older I get the lonelier it becomes when almost all my friends are married, my siblings, and almost all my cousins old enough to get married are.  I won't lie the world makes you feel weird when you admit to fearing the institution of marriage. So you learn to keep it to yourself and a very select few. Though for the first time I had to ask myself if it all was just me not wanting to ever have to grow up. Then came the final question what do I want and why? Which reminded me of these lyrics, 'have what you want but want what you have'. So while I let that roll around in my head and I face what it appears are things I've avoided I'll keep asking myself; What do you really want? You should know, cause it matters.

Rise

        The fear of having your heart broken is more than fear to the person fearing it.  The pain of a broken heart is more than pain to the person living it.  Though to the world they are just moments.  When we are caught in a moment it can last seconds or decades we get to choose.  Cause even if the other party moves on (or passes-dies) but you’re still living it, then the moment is still going.  Though the unfortunate thing is the one still caught in that moment feels like the fear or pain should just not end.  If nothing else brings you comfort know that all things come to an end and a sun that sets will surely rise.  This means that though you are not guaranteed to ever fully heal you can be better but only if you let go of the moment.  The sun that sets is the letting go.  While the sun that raises is the surety that there will be more to you, your story, your life, and though it almost seemed like that first love was all you could have known.  Know that all you can ever have is what you allow yourself to have.  If you can’t imagine it then know that because the sun rose today, yesterday, and tomorrow, it’s possible.  So it may feel over but feelings are just that, thin air, not concrete, not solid, for the fact (solid and dependable) is the sun rose which means you can too.  Move on if for only the fact that the sun rose and so should you.

Pain is my drug.

                I should have known when my sister pointed out that one of my favorite songs, 'Behind The Wall' from my favorite artist and album Tracy Chapman, was depressing.  I should have known that I have a special propensity for, I used to think sadness, but I know now it's pain.  I could listen to that song on repeat for hours and the whole album for days.  That was as a kid, but tell me why it still comforts me as an adult if it isn't because of pain.   As an adult I can't say I don't know or understand the back story in this song or all she's insinuating.  Today Adele is my comfort but it's taken me some time to even admit to myself that the pain in her songs comfort me.  You'd think I'd known some great travesty in life but actually my pain isn't that deep.  Really I just know I didn't want life from an early age.  Nor did the idea of being born a female always comfort me (Simply having less ways to manipulate my situation and the bit about being a second class citizen- didn't always live in the US and really felt the limitations the world puts on women.).  Anyway what did all this teach me- Pain is my current motivator, sad but true.  So I'll pimp it till something better can replace it.