Rise

        The fear of having your heart broken is more than fear to the person fearing it.  The pain of a broken heart is more than pain to the person living it.  Though to the world they are just moments.  When we are caught in a moment it can last seconds or decades we get to choose.  Cause even if the other party moves on (or passes-dies) but you’re still living it, then the moment is still going.  Though the unfortunate thing is the one still caught in that moment feels like the fear or pain should just not end.  If nothing else brings you comfort know that all things come to an end and a sun that sets will surely rise.  This means that though you are not guaranteed to ever fully heal you can be better but only if you let go of the moment.  The sun that sets is the letting go.  While the sun that raises is the surety that there will be more to you, your story, your life, and though it almost seemed like that first love was all you could have known.  Know that all you can ever have is what you allow yourself to have.  If you can’t imagine it then know that because the sun rose today, yesterday, and tomorrow, it’s possible.  So it may feel over but feelings are just that, thin air, not concrete, not solid, for the fact (solid and dependable) is the sun rose which means you can too.  Move on if for only the fact that the sun rose and so should you.

Pain is my drug.

                I should have known when my sister pointed out that one of my favorite songs, 'Behind The Wall' from my favorite artist and album Tracy Chapman, was depressing.  I should have known that I have a special propensity for, I used to think sadness, but I know now it's pain.  I could listen to that song on repeat for hours and the whole album for days.  That was as a kid, but tell me why it still comforts me as an adult if it isn't because of pain.   As an adult I can't say I don't know or understand the back story in this song or all she's insinuating.  Today Adele is my comfort but it's taken me some time to even admit to myself that the pain in her songs comfort me.  You'd think I'd known some great travesty in life but actually my pain isn't that deep.  Really I just know I didn't want life from an early age.  Nor did the idea of being born a female always comfort me (Simply having less ways to manipulate my situation and the bit about being a second class citizen- didn't always live in the US and really felt the limitations the world puts on women.).  Anyway what did all this teach me- Pain is my current motivator, sad but true.  So I'll pimp it till something better can replace it.